Devolving.
I’m not sure why or what the cause is but lately I’ve been feeling unsuccessful in all manners of life. There are many facets where I continue to learn more and gain knowledge but it all seems to be stagnant. I can read or learn or act in ways I think will set me up better for the future, yet it all feels like the perpetual advancement equivalent to a treadmill. Of course, there are quantitative checkpoints I can mark but for the time being it feels like the target is either moving or entirely transparent. As you saw in my last post I have plenty of goals I want to accomplish, however, the downside is that none of them seems to result in immediate release of dopamine. The troubling reality is that I understand how I’m may be setting myself up well for my long term ambitions. Even so, I'm not excited about what would usually have me yearning to act.
As a result of my last sentence, the word burnout might come mind for a few of you. With insignificant progress, I’ve contemplated whether or not I’m experiencing the oh-so-infamous burnout. Genuinely, I doubt the legitimacy of my self-diagnosis but it’s possible I’m in denial. Most of my life I’ve worked more intensely and focussed than I have in the past year, which leads me to wonder if I’ve moved into a different phase of development. Is it possible that the ambitious achiever inside me has grown into an unproductive loaf? Or more optimistically, have I become more calculated in a way that directs my energy to things that matter in different, less self-focused directions? Embarrassingly, I’m unsure of which one to claim or if either analysis is remotely accurate. Often I find myself desiring a busier schedule with unrelenting stacks of work. This is likely an unhealthy compulsion to bury myself in work in order to drown out the various existential questions that fluster my mind when monotony moves in. I think it's one of the healthier crutches one could resort to, unfortunately.
When I sat down I didn't expect to write about this but it seems that my fingers have to lead me to an odd self-reflection. As I conclude this post I’m continuing to brood over how useful it is to write down these thoughts considering they serve virtually little to no purpose in my contribution to society. Would this time be spent more productively looking for people within my local community whom I can help in a physical manner? I’m still not sure but as always, thank you for joining me in these few paragraphs of critical thought. Enjoy the images below from Moose Lake Provincial Park, one of the places I continually go to in order to extend praise to the Creator with nature around me.
