My Life Long Project.

     Constantly we are inundated with decisions. Even reading this was a decision. Some ascribe to the concept of free will, yet others are deterministic. Ever since I was young I was taught there was free will and currently, I think that seems to be a valid understanding and acknowledgement of there being meaning in how we live. I'm not sure how anyone from a religious perspective can hold the determinist view and still affirm any significance in living a 'morally' correct life. If everything is determined, the way we progress through life doesn't matter because we haven't had control over it from the start. On top of that, the divine being that we are attempting to follow would then have their hands tied behind their back immediately after creating and determining.

     I'm sure the arguments are much more complicated than that but in regards to how I live my life and the current values I have, I'm not sure if I could justify making any sort of effort if the concept of free will does not exist. I'd likely fall back to my default pessimist understanding of life that everything is indeed meaningless. Absurdity takes control of our reality and all we can do is ride the miserable waves that life merely splashes over us. I mean sure, not needing to take responsibility of our actions would be convenient and I have held the determinist view before, however, if we desire any sort of agency then I think it would benefit to take ownership of how we engage in life on earth.

     With this quick rant out of the way, the unknown wells up some curious anxiety for me. Knowing that my decisions result in the outcome of my life has always been at the forefront of my mind. I've talked about it before, but even when I was young I would lay in bed for hours dwelling on what I was going to do when I grew up. The unconscious desire to impress and succeed was crippling. Only in the past few years, I've acknowledged the unnecessary pressure to impress people and done my best to ignore the impulse. Even with the pressure from others dissipated, there is still the haunting voice in the back of my mind that is trying to affirm meaning in life.

     I just looked at the clock and realized this post took me a quick 10 minutes to write so I apologize if the thoughts aren't as coherent as usual but I thought I'd share a little bit of my continual, long-term, lifelong project, of existential crisis'. Nonetheless, enjoy the photos from one of the most beautiful mornings from this summer. If I'm honest, its the anxiety and inner pessimist that forces me to attempt to make things that distract from my inner turmoil.  And just so you're not worried I write all this with a smirk on my face because it all seems so odd to reflect on. Thank you for your continued support.